Old Fart Shenanigans

“I think we need to stop talking about and worrying about the insanity that’s going on in the country.”

“You mean, we should ignore it?”

“Yes! Just like our mothers did when we did something so bad they couldn’t bring themselves to address it and pretended like it didn’t happen.”

“Maybe your mother ignored it, but mine didn’t. She cut loose with some whoop ass on me, and she was always clearly the winner. Remember how big and strong she was?”

“Oh. So, instead of ignoring things and pretending that things are okay, we should cut loose with some whoop ass?”

“I didn’t say that, but I think there must be a happy medium.”

“How about we think and talk about it on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and never mention it on the other days?”

“Okay.”

“Oh, by the way, would you share your Nobel Peace Prize?”

“Hell, no!”

“Oakley, do you still find me sexy?”

“Uh, well, sure, I guess. Why are you lounging around in that skimpy nightgown? It’s 10 degrees outside.”

(SMILES COYLY) “I thought maybe you could warm me up.”

“Oh, lord, Roxy. I just had my 81st birthday, and I’m undergoing chemotherapy. How MUCH can you expect from one man?”

“Excuses, excuses. Always excuses.”

“I don’t mind the snow.”

“Of course, you don’t. You don’t have to drive in it or work in it. You stay in the house and are warm and comfy, snuggled up in a blanket.”

“Oh, yeah, now I remember what a pain in the butt it was when I was commuting to work.”

“How quickly we forget.”

 

“I can’t find my will.”

“Do you need it?”

“Not today, I don’t think, but someone’s gonna need it eventually.”

“I’ll help you look, Mom.”

“Good. I want to make sure you get my toaster oven.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I already have one.”

“You don’t WANT my toaster oven?”

“I didn’t say that. I don’t NEED another toaster oven. Maybe someone you know needs one.”

“Daughter, never look a gift horse in the mouth.”

 

“I saw a picture of the president flipping the bird at someone. Apparently, he also told the person to fk off. My granddaughter saw the picture and asked me if that’s something a president should do.”

“Well, no, it’s not something a president should do or any of us adults, although I have been guilty of it on occasion.” 

“I think I’ll send him a copy of Emily Post’s Manners for Today. It has been updated with a focus on civility and inclusion.”

“I don’t think he reads. Maybe he can’t.”

“That would explain a lot.”

 

“Today is January 13th, and it’s Make Your Dreams Come True Day.”

“Lord, oh mighty, I certainly hope not. The dream I had last night was horrific! I don’t want it to come true.”

“What did you dream?”

“I dreamt I owed $1 million in back taxes and ICE was coming for me.”

“ICE doesn’t go after people because of back taxes.”

“Are you sure about that?”

(SHRUGS) “Well, can’t say that I am.”

“Today is January 12th, and it’s Kiss a Ginger Day.”

“Don’t even think about it, crazy woman!”

 

“I think you and I should start doing yoga.”

“Yoga? Are you out of your mind? We’re nearly 80 years old!”

“Just listen to me. I’m getting stiffer and creakier by the day, and so are you. Yesterday, I saw you lose your balance while walking through the living room for no apparent reason. You nearly fell.”

“It was a senior moment.”

“We’re having lots of those. I think we need to err on the side of caution.”

“And you actually believe yoga might help safeguard our health?”

“I think it might.”

“Hmm. Okay. Put me in, coach. I’m ready to play.”

 

“Today is January 10th, and it’s National Peculiar People Day.”

“Are you suggesting that I’m peculiar?”

“Well, not exactly. Maybe. But that’s not a bad thing. According to those in the know, peculiar people sprinkle our world with color, making life far more interesting and unpredictable, inspiring us to question the ‘normal,’ pushing boundaries and embracing our oddities.”

“Hmmm.

“In a sea of sameness, the peculiar ones make the waves, reminding us that life is too short to blend in.”

“Cool. So you would wear this outfit?”

“Uh, well, uhmm, I don’t know about THAT.”

“Today is January 9th, and it’s National Law Enforcement Appreciation Day.”

“Hmm. That’s rather ironic considering what happened in Minnesota.”

“Not all cops are bad apples.”

“I know that, but I think there were a few bad ICE apples in south Minnesota the other day.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”